friends with an ex: brilliant idea or demented and stupid? discuss.

i haven't decided if it's possible to be friends with an ex. i always say i want to be because these people were important to me at one point in my life, and i'd guess yours were important to you at once point as well. you wouldn't have been with them if you thought they were shmucks to begin with, unless you have some sort of self-destruction complex. ironically, i do -- but more on that at a later time, eh?

but is the fact that at one point in your life they were exactly what you wanted or needed any reason to keep them around? i've been completely willing to cut off friends who did horrible or truly stupid things. but exes? i can't do it. maybe it's because i do still have feelings. maybe it's because these guys were much closer to me than any friends could be, for obvious reasons. or maybe it's because i hate two things: change and not being in control. cutting off an ex would mean changing a once decent relationship to nothing (which it is at this point anyway, right?) and not being in control of the situation.

i have the belief that if you had feelings once, you always have them or you never had feelings at all. but i also don't like not talking to people anymore. i feel like everyone is in your life for a reason, not that they passed through and should never come by again. that doesn't mean the second the come around again you want to jump them. it simply means keeping friends as friends - whether they were friends with benefits, boyfriends, or boy friends.

or i just live in my own fantasy bubble where you can get along with whoever you want and dismiss all the people you can't stand.

my bubble is a very pretty place.

hi. my name is emily, and i like emo music.

i went to warped tour. the 15-year-old in me was thrilled, namely because the 15-year-old in me never went to warped tour. see, none of my friends like the same music i do. never have. okay, that's not entirely true... kayla likes counting crows. heather likes dashboard confessional. andy likes dave matthews band. jess likes fall out boy, but they're on "hiatus."

but my emo/pop punk/punk? harldy anyone. i love my emo music. it makes me feel better, namely when i pretend i can sing and could be in a band. yeah, pink helped, but hey monday's "candles" got me through a break up. motion city soundtrack writes metaphors i wish i could come up with. and fall out boy is damn fuckin' catchy. but i'm not 15 anymore, which means the only people who really admit to liking this music - if they're over the age of 23 - are in the bands. or work for the bands. or tour with the bands. basically, they're everyone i want to be. the fact that people figured out how to tour 24/7, 365 days a week and be in an industry where no one questions how tattooed or pierced they are is mind boggling to me.

i don't want to be the girl who shows up to shows and concerts by myself, but should i avoid going to shows because people don't want to go with me or don't like the same music? should i be afraid to show up to hear music i like because i don't have any musical kindred spirits? or should i just stop listening to it because, hey, i may work for a teen magazine but i'm not a teen anymore?

what i have to figure out is how to find people who do like the same things i do. i'm so used to having the same friends i've had for years, since elementary school or the first day of college. and i love my friends, but it's strange to be into music no one's ever heard of or not look quite like everyone else you know. i don't want to be normal. i don't want to not pierce every damn piece of my ear lobes. but it's so weird to not have people quite understand. this isn't a woe-is-me post. this is more like a "what the fuck" or "why has everyone else figured out who they are or where they want to be" post.

or maybe this is just, "why couldn't i have a good voice so i could be a rockstar" post. maybe i should just start practicing on that target guitar i have - that'd probably be a better start than whining.